My Christmas Letter

Recently, someone suggested that since I had now arrived at the very adult and mature age of 25, that I should start the good ol’ tradition of the annual Christmas letter. Not really having what one would consider a “normal” life for someone my age I considered what exactly this letter would report and came up with the following.

Dear Friends & Family,

Since the holiday season is now upon us I thought I’d take some time to share of the bolder highlights of my past year.

As many of you know, I am still currently employed as an Event Manager (fancy title for a glorified intern) and the year started off with yours truly getting her Level 1 Ropes Certification. This basically means I can not only belay but also hang out in what we call the Crow’s Nest and transfer climbers to the zipline, all the while pretending that I am cool and also not afraid of heights.

Soon after I got to counsel for the first time at Camp Cho-Yeh during our Midwinter Madness. I counseled the gummies, our youngest campers who would say things like “I found this candy on the ground, but I washed it off. Can I eat it?” And also called us out saying “You’re whispering. That means you don’t know what to do.”

The spring was full of projects, like remodeling our camp store, going to planning weekends with the summer leadership staff, and experiencing my first “Cowboy Church” for Easter. And then I got a tattoo in Galveston and it made me feel really hardcore for a while.

I traveled to Las Vegas this spring to watch my brother compete in the World Pizza Games (this is not a joke). He came in second in the fastest box folder competition. I was mega-proud. Then we all got drunk and ate a huge pizza.

All of the sudden it was summertime & one million college students came to work at Cho-Yeh and I started working as an office assistant, only adding to my disconcerting notion that I am getting old. I got to counsel the very last week & again had the lil’ gumdrops who constantly told me “You dance really funny!” and asked me “Do you like being tickled?”

After transitioning back to retreats I was offered a full-time job here at Cho-Yeh & also applied for (and was offered) one at a Conference Center in Oregon. I turned both of them down, due to the fact that I am young and/or afraid of commitment.

However, I’m still going to continue my current job through May of next year. Can I get a whoop-whoop for job security? And also a hoorah for the hundreds of tacos I am sure to consume at our favourite Mexican eatery, Los Pinos. Most of the first draft of this letter was just a gushing about how good their guacamole is. (YOU CANNOT EVEN KNOW).

In other news, I have watched seven whole seasons of Criminal Minds. It is safe to say I am now extremely paranoid about being murdered AND that I am officially obsessed with Spencer Reid/Matthew Gray Gubler AND that I am confident that I could easily work for the FBI as a profiler.

For Thanksgiving this year I went out to California to visit my sister at her camp, Forest Home. Sometimes I feel like we are living the same life, except she’s doing it way better and with more money/stability/beaches/mountains/hot college guys. So, not really the same at all. But a girl can dream, right?!?!

Oh, I also tried to go gluten-free this year. I’m not the best at it, due to the fact that cookies & pizza was pretty near all I ate last year. I also started running more (we’re talking a whole 6 miles a pop, people!) while shamelessly blasting Justin Timberlake and/or music from the hit television show, Glee.

All in all it’s been a good year. Most of my money went towards plane tickets, tacos, and patterned socks.

Happy Holidays!

A little history...

As I think about my future whereabouts, plans, wanderings, I keep coming back to things like this:

My friends from Minnesota. I think, as I get older, I find that I want to make my own life, plant my own roots, build my own house (not literally, of course. I once tried to use a table saw under supervision, and was doing well until I open-mouth smiled and ate half a pound of sawdust. Go figure).

But there’s this part of me that wants to be around people I have a history with. People who have seen me through bad break-ups, bad decisions, bad test scores, bad driving, and tons of bad hair days. (What can I say I had to have my own bad short haircut despite the pleadings against it).

These girls were and are my foundation in so many ways and I long to live life in a more frequent manner with them. As usual I’m torn by my independence and my desire to belong to people.

I think that’s why the promise of the Lord being the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow is so comforting. Because I don’t know what today or any of my tomorrows may bring but I can be comforted that I know the One who has my itinerary planned out. The One who understands my need to belong, to have stability and to be known.

And for that I am incredibly grateful.

Adaptability

Our schedule can (and does!) change multiple times a week. Our retreat groups have needs we didn’t (and couldn’t!) anticipate. The weather can change in minutes (thanks, East Texas!)

But we’ve all learned to be quick to accept change and to readjust our plans, thoughts, and actions accordingly. We’ve learned that if you want sleep, you’ve got to get it while you can. If you want peace, you’ve got to seek it out. If you want to drive the truck, you have to call it before anyone else.

You’ve got to be ready and willing for all of it.

This spills over into other situations in my life as well. Learning to adapt has helped me to connect with and love people better because I try to be more understanding and graceful as I learn more about them. It has opened doors for building relationships with those around me.

Being flexible is what serving others is all about. You can’t claim to be a servant if you are unwilling to do even more than is asked of you. Loving people takes a lot of willingness and adaptability but it’s always worth the time and effort it takes.

One example was from a youth group I was managing a few weekends ago. It turned out that the group leader has more set-up needs than I had expected but she assured me that her students could set it up before their first meeting. I decided I could bless them by setting up before the group arrived at the meeting hall and the group leader was floored by my simple gesture. That set the tone for the entire weekend and allowed her to feel loved and cared for.

This is worth it.

I do what I want.

I have a car, a white Plymouth Breeze. She accelerates with a stutter and her brakes are awfully sketchy, but I love her. She resides in Minnesota.

I live in Texas.

That’s right, I am carless here at camp and although I chose this, sometimes it feels really unfair and bothersome.

I get along alright as I live with the most generous and wonderful people who offer me rides anywhere I go, but I usually just tag along when I overhear a Wal-Mart run being planned.

Basically what this means is that I don’t plan my own life half the time. I don’t make my own choices. I have ideas and then hope someone else has them as well. But I’m really dependent on this makeshift family I live with.

And sometimes I HATE it.

I’m a very independent and wannabe carefree spirit. I don’t like being tethered to others’ plans.

I do what I want. (via Pinterest)

I’m being humbled, but I don’t like it at all.

The Lord has really been showing me these things- how it’s ok to need people, how I can’t do it all on my own, how I should be less selfish.

It’s a lifelong lesson I’m sure as we have always wanted to rebel against this idea of needing people, but this is how we were made to live together and share together. To feel helpless once in a while because we don’t have everything we need. When we start to think so, we start to live our lives without the guidance of an even bigger community- the Trinity.

So, this is one little way in which I am learning to be humble, to trust others, and to rely on the Lord.

It’s not easy, but it is nice sometimes to be the follower and let everyone else make all the decisions.

Things I Worry About

It's been so busy here at Camp Cho-Yeh! I have noticed as I get back into the Event Manager routine that little worries keep popping up in my head. But this short list of worries seems quite specific to my job, the Stonehenge of my life, so to speak. So, I thought I'd share because I'm starting to doubt I'll ever worry about them once I step out of camping ministry.

Things I Worry About

Snakes, possums, bobcats, dumpster cats.

My radio died….again.

The maintenance shed is locked but I NEED a machete NOW.

I’ll get a call to come unclog a toilet…at one in the morning.

I forgot my headlamp…again.

Jack-knifing the truck & trailer.

I’ll get my harness on to belay for three hours…and have to pee.

What am I going to wear?

"But I already have my harness on!"

Stuff Campers Say Second Edition

I was blessed to be able to counsel for the last week of summer camp and I again had the youngest campers that we affectionately refer to as the Gummies. The love I experienced from those lil' campers was overwhelming and the things they said adorable as documented below.

“Do you like being tickled?”

“You dance really funny!”

“Can you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

“I love you like a mom!”

"Are those your real glasses or are they part of a Halloween costume?"

"Do you have a husband?" "No, I don't." "That's ok, you can always get a dog to hang out with."

(via http://themessesofmen.tumblr.com/) 

Summer 2012

Summer camp has officially ended and I'm finally writing once again. There is so much I could write about in regards to the summer so the next few posts will focus on my experience at Camp Cho-Yeh during this crazy summer.

To recap: my job this summer was to be the Assistant Camp Registrar to Jenn Jones, Summer Camp Registrar. Although there were many times I missed running around camp and feeling more involved, at the end of the day I knew I was where I needed to be. I wanted to be at Cho-Yeh and this position was the empty seat at the otherwise full lunch table.

Instead of having this attitude that revolves around what I want, I started thinking about how I could serve Jenn in my position. Maybe I wasn't put in the position because I could get the most out of it, but because I could give the most while in it. It can be so difficult to think that way but once I did I was able to hand out every little piece of myself to anyone who needed it.

So many times our faith and our lives are so focused on ourselves. What will I learn? How can I grow? And many times these are good things to think on. But just take that step outside yourself and ask how you can serve those around you. Trust me, you'll still learn and grow from these experiences.

Are we having a moment?

Do you ever just have a moment? It might happen in slow motion or it might just give you reason to be still. It happens anywhere. It grips you. It makes breathing a little more of a task.

It’s that moment after the laughing dies down but before someone speaks again. It’s that second you drive around the corner and can only see the summer-flavored trees so beautifully poised. It’s that time where you share a joke through eye contact in a crowded room. 

It’s looking up at the night sky and hoping for stars but what you get is stars upon stars.

It’s this moment: our boss is sitting on the steps and a few people kneel down around him. I expect to hear someone start a prayer but suddenly hear one from my own lips, but it is covered by twenty some other voices as the summer staff crowds around. It’s one prayer and I am overwhelmed by the sound.

Those moments that could be ordinary and passed over but are suddenly set ablaze with something bigger.

I think we’re given those moments by the Lord so that we remember we’re alive. Whole poems are written about this stuff, whole books! It’s real and it’s not just water for thirsty souls it’s every food you love for every piece of your heart. (For me I imagine a brick-oven pizza, beer, and a whole pile of pancakes).

(via awelltraveledwoman.tumbler.com)

Hello/Goodbye

As we come to the close of yet another crazy semester of retreats at Camp Cho-Yeh I can’t help but feel heavy-hearted as I realize our team is about to scatter into our various summer camp positions and eventually into other parts of the state and country this fall.

I feel like some masked thief broke in when we weren’t ready and sped up all the clocks and filled all our hours with activity instead of conversations. I’ve already started my summer job of working in the office so I’ve been having actual feelings of separation anxiety as I rarely see my team. I’ve started feeling so fearful that time is running out and I haven’t yet given all I could of myself.

I feel that temptation to count my regrets, the times when I could have done more or better, but I stop myself. There’s no need to relive our histories unless they make us better and stronger, not troubled.

I start to really think about the good-byes and how much we can all agree on this being an awful, awful part of our existence. Anyone who tries to live in a place without roots will find it. Anyone who craves adventure and newness will find it. And here I am having to do this multiple times a year it seems. It’s so unsettling.

So I realize I need comfort in all this. I need a constant. And I remember a friend once telling me that in a world of good-byes God is the ultimate hello. He’s the forever hello. And that is something to hold onto when all your familiarities are taking flight. 

Tattoo

I finally got the tattoo that's been on my mind for years. It's on my right wrist, in the simplest font I could find, and says "heaven is wherever."


It's a concept I need to be reminded of constantly. Heaven is wherever we choose to bring it. Wherever there is love, or patience, a kind word, or guidance, the sound of laughter or a sight that makes us catch our breath.


It's at Camp Cho-Yeh, it's in my parent's house, it's at the next camp I work at. 


Heaven is wherever.

Joy

Don’t let comparison steal your joy.

This has been on my mind a lot lately as our retreat season gets busier and busier and we start to step over into preparing for summer camp as well.

My job this summer is to be the assistant to our office registrar. I’m very excited about this job change and have been slowly transitioning into this role as summer gets closer. However, I still miss the craziness of retreats and feel like I’m a little on the outside the reach of that exploding piñata.

Don’t get me wrong, my introverted self is certainly enjoying my time in the office and I know I’ll have plenty of opportunities this summer to interact with campers and counselors.

And I’m letting the comparison of what I’m doing to what the rest of my team is doing get to me in a negative way. And it’s stealing my joy a little bit.

And I’m not the only one. Others on my team have compared job loads, hours, and responsibilities to one another and it’s draining us of our happiness.

One thing I’ve realized though is that we need to choose our joy. We get to be content in any situation because the Lord brought us there and what good is it to count your sorrows?

So, just remember this old hymn and know it is true even now.

“Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

it is well, it is well with my soul.”

Happy Belated Easter!

  

For Easter this year I went with my friend Morgan to a Cowboy Church. I’d never even heard of such a thing, but there it was, this open-air arena fit for a rodeo, plastic chairs in the sand and bleachers to one side, saloon doors swinging open to the bathrooms.

We sang hymns like country singers would and then we experienced a more contemporary worship band (James Curlin Band) and soon after we were responding with “Amen!” to our animated African-American preacher.

It felt so jumbled and yet in each part of the service, the Lord was there. We all know He doesn’t fit into any sort of type, category, or box. He’s not found only in nature, only in church, only in our prayers in Bible studies. He’s everything and everywhere. He’s in our sadness when saying good-bye, He’s in our conversations and laughter with friends, He’s in our lazy moments by the pool. He’s alive now, for us, for always.

Morgan and I on our way to Easter Service.

Rain & Things

It’s been raining a lot here at camp lately and everything is such a lively green.

I will not even pretend that I can write about nature and this gorgeous earth with any sort of depth or intelligence. I’ll just let you read some Annie Dillard for yourself.

"The point of the dragonfly's terrible lip, the giant water bug, birdsong, or the beautiful dazzle and flash of sunlighted minnows, is not that it all fits together like clockwork--for it doesn't ... but that it all flows so freely wild, like the creek, that it all surges in such a free, finged tangle. Freedom is the world's water and weather, the world's nourishment freely given, its soil and sap: and the creator loves pizzazz."

Annie Dillard (b. 1945), U.S. essayist and autobiographer. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

This entire book is the best book about observing the natural world that I’ve read. You should too.

Happy Spring y'all!

(all images taken at Camp Cho-Yeh by yours truly)

Unlovable

We’re all unlovable at some point or other. We all get so tired we could cry, we could scream, we could drive recklessly, we could break plates. And we all experience others in this state. But here’s where we learn about loving people in their lowest.

Instead of responding to nasty sarcasm and rude comments with the same, I’ve tried to let that flash in the pan anger reside and respond with kindness.

“Kill ‘em with your kindness.”

The thing is Jesus was serious when he said to turn the other cheek. It’s so easy to let anger get the best of you, to let your selfish side flare like a frill neck lizard as you feel injustices go from a seed to a tree. It’s ok to let people know they have hurt you, but to respond with the same actions is just creating an endless funhouse mirror of bitterness.

Contrary to popular belief, showing kindness in the face of hate is not weak but rather a sign of strength, which the Lord gives when love seems to be the last thing we can do.

(via http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com/)

Stuff Campers Say: Summer Camp Edition

This past weekend we had our first leadership weekend in order to brainstorm and plan for the upcoming summer. It made me reminisce about summers past at a little camp in Minnesota where the kids are just as honest and forthright as any.

So here we go with Stuff Campers Say…Summer Camp Style!

(To a camper who is devouring her chocolate cakes minus the use of her hands):
“That is the most unwomanly thing you could be doing right now.”

“I’m too cute to sweat.”

“Is anyone here armed in case of bear attacks?”

“There are so many campers that have unflattering pictures of me now.” “Oh yeah, I totally took one of you while you were sleeping with your mouth open.”

“You expect me to swim in a lake that has live animals in it?”

“Why does Ali eat the apple seeds?” “So she won’t die of cancer.” “Yeah, but she’s going to die of a tree growing in her stomach!”

Ali-the-apple-seed-eater and I at Big Sandy Camp, 2011.

Sweets & Retreats (When your day is a swear word)

I know it may seem that I have the perfect job and live a wonderfully carefree life but keep in mind that I usually write about the best parts of my life. In an effort to do what the cool kids call “keepin’ it real” I will try to be brave enough to write about even the bad stuff.

Because we all have those days when nothing is going right or well and we skim past the otherwise good moments because we feel as if another terrible one is waiting for us.

Food doesn’t have taste and you eat it just because you have to and a smile means nothing and even those arms of a friend wrapped around you sustain you for a second and then all is lost in another problem.

Everyone seems on the edge, on the brink of punching you in the face, over the tiniest comment or was it the tone of that comment? Either way something small can set you or someone around you off and the nail gun trigger is stuck and no one escapes unscathed.

Sometimes you just want to get through the day, none of this cherishing bull, none of this count your blessings when you’re in the midst of a crisis here, people.

Your retreat group wants to change their schedule, you got switched to running your least favourite activity of all-time, AND your campfire just won't light.

Sometimes your day is a swear word. Or it’s all of ‘em. And it’s ok to just get through because it’s all you can do. But don’t let those days define you. Do your best even when you don’t feel like it. Accept the goodness with the bad.  Because we all know those days pass.

So , let it pass. Find something to help it pass, like we did. We use the phrase, “sweets and retreats” to mean that everything sucks right now. Because sometimes it just does and there’s nothing you can do about it but know that it will pass and what will matter is how you acted in the midst of a horrible situation.

Just ask the good Lord to help you to laugh it all off with an inside joke shared with people stuck in the same trash pit as you are.  

Please, campfire? (via http://convolutedstateofmind.tumblr.com/)

Stuff Campers Say: First Edition

I recently had the privilege of counseling the youngest campers at our Mid-Winter Madness weekend. We call them the “Gummies,” since they stay in the Sweet Gum cabins. These little gumdrops brought such joy and simplicity and laughter into my weekend.

The best thing, for me, in counseling these kids is that they just love you and trust you without much question. It’s so easy to love them back because all it takes is a hug. Since I’m so introverted I find it much easier to let myself become a jungle gym and singer of silly songs than to have awkward conversations.

And when you get a gummie talking…you’ll soon find yourself laughing.

Here’s just a little round-up of stuff campers say, the very first edition.

“You’re whispering- that means you don’t know what to do.”

“I need a piggy back ride.”

“Boys rule and girls drool.” “Yeah? Well you’re going to have a wife someday!”

“Girls you need to brush your hair today because we have a picture at the lake today.” “But why don’t you have to brush your hair? It’s MUCH wilder than mine!”

“I found this candy on the ground but I washed it off. Can I eat it?”

(from http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com/)

Love & Beauty

I truly love the community I live in- a houseful of people & activity & conversations & food & movies & games & friendships & love. It's so different than how many of my friends live- but it's so beautiful & frustrating & bothersome & good & lively & close.


It's teaching me a lot about how to love & live & grow with these other souls full of otherness that I don't always understand & know & appreciate.


I can't explain this to people who live alone or with their spouse or with a roommate or two. There's just something so perfect & right about a home bustling with people who love camp & the Lord & each other.


And now, I'll stop gushing about how much I love this set-up and give you a slew of photos I find charming & romantic & lovely & beautiful.

(all images taken in England, 2008)

(all images taken in Paris & Scotland, 2008)

Making Old Things New

For the past week Nate and I have been going to town on remodeling our camp store, The Trading Post. We were all tired of it looking like a storage closet with warehouse shelves and wanted it to have that rustic-bringing-nature-indoors feel.

I am so blessed to have a co-worker and friend like Nate, who just gets things done. In just three days we (ok, mostly Nate) had built twelve shelves from old wood pallets, searched the antique store for baskets, re-hung our pegboard, rearranged the decorations, and made a hanging display shelf from an old log and retired ropes from our challenge course.

Although we aren’t entirely finished, everyone agrees that the store looks much better. One of our friends from last semester saw a picture and even commented, “You’re lying to me, that has to be a different camp store! That looks too good!”

And he’s right. Just a few little changes made all the difference. We really didn’t spend much money or take that much time or make anything too fancy or complicated. And all of this reminded me of how we can change our whole day, our whole perspective, our whole lives with little changes. It doesn’t have to be a complete do-over. It can be really simple and it can happen now.

The Lord makes the old parts of us new. He’s re-working us, building off of what is already there, little by little, until we are a better version of the people we were meant to be.

Answered Prayers

Just a short lil’ post to share how much I’ve realized that the Lord does provide.

It’s not just that He knows our needs, it’s that He fulfills them. I have had a succession of bad days during which I felt a hole where past friends had been and I came to the realization that I wasn’t as close to the people I work and live with as I had been with those who have moved on. And this made me angry and frustrated.

And just like that my Randy asks me what’s wrong and he lends me his raincoat and listens. Just the next morning Nathan asks me to go have breakfast with him in town and asks me for my honest opinions when we re-decorate our camp store. Just that night Jeffery offers to help my scrapbooking ladies haul all their books and boxes into their meeting space. Just the next morning Morgan hugs me with the warmth of a thousand suns. And just last night Brandy sits on my floor and offers advice and Liz tells me she loves me.

And just like that I have this makeshift family, a chaotic bunch of personalities, but each one making me feel like home.

When I stopped focusing on what I don’t have the Lord opened me up to realize there is so much more that I do have.

(in love with y'all)

Change You Can Believe In

I got a letter in the mail from my amazing friend, Tracey the other day. I loved seeing her scrawling handwriting and pretty stationary and feeling like she was with me just for a while, in her words. And what she wrote about really hit me. She told me about how her heart is resistant to change, but how she realizes that we are not static beings, but are constantly changing, little by little into more of ourselves (best case scenario).

I think the thing I have loved the most (while also being the most frustrating) about this job is that it has stretched me and helped me grow. And who I am now astounds me.

And now for a short inventory of 

Things I Used to be Afraid of but am Now OK With: big dogs, cooking, heights, my hair.

(via http://modernhepburn.tumblr.com/ and yours truly)

We’ll focus on just one item from the above list: heights.

I used to be terrified of any notion of being up off the ground unless I was enclosed in an airplane.

 And now I climb 25 foot poles. I walk trails on the edge of a cliff. I stand on top of our climbing tower for hours. I jump off platforms over 100 feet above river beds (shout-out to the impeccable Camp Eagle in Rocksprings, TX!)

 I not only accept challenges but have become that girl that seeks them out. I like to be thrilled, to taste accomplishment on the other side, and don’t care about that fear doing cartwheels in my stomach the whole time.

Because that fear isn’t completely gone. What has changed isn’t that I am some fearless, thrill-seeking maniac, but that I have understood how to work through it. I have grasped that I am capable of so much more than I once thought. I have realized that being challenged helps me grow, and learn, and trust, and live. And living is the way to meet our Maker, because living and choices and people can bring us so much fear but I’ve learned to work it out as I trust in the Lord.

Homesick

Having a family that you are crazy about is the best and worst thing in the life of a wanderer.  I mean I’ve come to realize that family really means leaving. I never thought I’d be one to move more than a few hours away, yet here I am in Texas while my family hunkers down through another winter in Minnesota.

And I've started to really grasp how that means I miss out on the little everyday things and it's made this girl homesick.

All of my visits are always storybook wonderful while still being internet hilarious and awkward and leaving is hell. It’s something with a solution so simple, so elementary and yet I cannot bring myself to move closer to home. Maybe that’ll change someday. But for now, home is wherever I go. Because my family is so much who I am and I cannot help but share them with anyone who will listen.

"You can kiss your family and friends goodbye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you" Frederick Bueechner

Headaches & Blessings

Once in a while I get terrible headaches. It’s hard for me to function as every noise, every fraction of light, and every movement makes my noggin’ feel like it’s filled with strong men using hammers. It’s upsetting to me because I never know when they will creep in and start to set up their brick walls.

This one hit on day two of my first week back at camp after my holiday break. It was during a group activity during which we were all supposed to work together on the task at hand and I was eager to get it over with.

In my hasty and cloudy manner, I gave my friend, Nate, the impression that I was mad with him.

Back in the office he flat-out asked me, “Are you mad at me?”

A surprised and breathful, “No, of course not!” was my reply.

And what he said next struck me. “Good, because I like you and I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

I was so hit by his simple and honest words. And I wanted to cry with the knowledge of having someone I don’t deserve care for me.

Which is, of course, who God is. Someone who cares for me-deeply, unbelievably- though I don’t deserve it. Someone I get to have around all the time, His presence holding everything together and blessing me constantly- though I am frightfully unaware. His love giving me strength-even when friends I love completely like my own family come and go. I don’t deserve such constant undivided, untainted devotion. And yet I receive these blessings upon blessings.